A short essay in torture. (Or for those googling, WHAT TO EXPECT AFTER SINUS SURGERY.)

By Corinne.

Last week I had sinus surgery. It was a run-of-the-mill sinus surgery, according to my ENT (who, despite all of my ranting here, is really an AMAZING doctor and a very nice man). Lots of people have fungal tumors and chunks of staph infection in their noses, who knew? (Yes yes, EEW. YOU try living with it!) We drove to Scottsdale at 4:00 in the morning. I changed into the paper gown and some hawt purple footies, donned a set of those inflatable anti-embolism pump calf-warmers, was versed-ed, whisked off to the OR and my sinuses chopped up and sucked out under general anesthesia. I liked not being awake for the 90 minute procedure. It was nice. I do sort of recall trying to push the gas mask off my face at the beginning and tell the doctor something which I thought was of great importance, but they promptly placed it back on my face. I don't remember what exactly I was trying to convey but I have a suspicion that it probably wasn't as vital as I thought it was at the time.

Woke up in a puddle. Told the nurse I thought I had wet the bed. Apparently I had 2 liters of fluid during the procedure and my traitorous bladder decided it was going to throw in the towel. (The nurse says I sneezed.) Oh well, I was still pretty groggy and didn't really care. I'm sure it happens all the time, right? (RIGHT?!) Was driven home by Chad.

The post-op instructions: Don't make any life-altering decisions. Don't drive. Take pain meds. Drink fluids. Don't touch your stitches. (Which would have been difficult considering I didn't have any to begin with.) Start sinus washes on Monday. Monday rolled around. As I am still liberally enjoying my Percocet and am unable to drive, Chad picks up something benignly labeled a Neti Pot at the local Walgreen's. Developed by physician Diane Heatley! The Sinus Expert! Safe and Immediate Sinus Relief! Patent Pending!

Diane Heatley is the DEVIL.

Whoever thought it would be a good idea to slather SURGICAL WOUNDS WITH SALT WATER WAS SMOKING CRACK. Medical board people are you listening? Please take away this woman's license. And you patent people? Don't even THINK about approving that one.

So there's THAT.

My doctor called a few days later to see how I was doing (I told you he was a good guy - wait, you didn't read that. I'm still mad at him.) and I explained that I am really dizzy and in quite a bit of pain still. He was surprised, since I should be feeling better by this point. Maybe I have a clot. Come in Thursday and he'll "take care of it".

Yesterday morning I went to the ER for dizziness and pain. It took those morons TEN STICKS to get a freakin' IV in my arm. After the third stick I was demanding that a NICU nurse be snagged from upstairs but they wouldn't listen. Ended up in tears on the CT scanner with two people hovering over me trying to get a needle in for contrast to be injected. Once they GOT the IV my nurse nearly air-embolused me when she forgot to clear the line, hooked me up to it and let it rip. Had a freakin' anxiety attack over my really STUPID near-death experience as I snagged the IV and disconnected it quickly. At least after all of this I got some morphine. (I probably didn't need anything as strong as morphine but if I'm GOING TO BE STUCK TEN TIMES AND THEN NEARLY DIE I MIGHT AS WELL GET SOMETHING GOOD OUT OF IT DAMMIT.) CT came back with some inflammation, perhaps some infection. Bloodwork had high white blood cells and my blood sugar was sky-high, but I'm also on prednisone so who knows what's really going on. (Note: On this drug you will have an insatiable appetite for Ho-Hos but your pancreas doesn't have a good working relationship with prednisone. This will make you want to eat MORE Ho-Hos. You will feel WONDERFUL as your blood sugar climbs to mountainous levels. I'm being sarcastic.) My ENT was called and since I had heavy staph growth on one of my post-op cultures some IV antibiotics were infused into the tenth hole in my arm. After all of this the nurse who took out my IV (and incidentally the one who actually got the thing IN in the first place) decided to joke not to drink too much water or it would all come out of the needle punctures in my body.

Everybody's a comedian.

So TODAY! Today I'm feeling a THOUSAND times better. And here I'm really not being sarcastic. I think the antibiotics did the trick. Aaaaand the morphine couldn't have hurt. Dr. Hurley wanted to see me again in his office for a debridement. Oh. Uh-huh. All you medical people reading this? You know what that means. All you non-medical people, this is the definition of debridement: the doctor is going to SCRUB OFF THE LAYER OF HEALED CELLS YOUR BODY HAS WORKED SO HARD TO MAKE THE LAST WEEK TO REVEAL A FRESH, RAW LAYER OF CELLS UNDERNEATH. Oh and when you have sinus surgery? He's going to do that with forceps and a suction catheter UP YOUR SCHNOZZ after spraying lidocaine up your nose with a pressure hose. (Lidocaine tastes like POO by the way.) With a freakin' camera. He's going to VIOLATE YOUR NASAL PASSAGES WITH A CAMERA AND SCRUB THE HELL OUT OF YOUR SURGICAL SITE.

And then afterward you don't even get a sticker.

And that is why I am mad at my ENT right now.

Even though he really IS a good doctor.

Nurses really do make the worst patients.

And now if you'll excuse me I have a post-debridement Friday night date with two Percocets.