Merry freakin' Christmas

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! To be honest, I'm just glad it's almost over. Trying not to be too whiny about the deployment but the truth? I really miss my soldier and his army haircut. I even miss his prickly five o'clock shadow kisses. Being alone has put me into "survival-only" mode this December and I really haven't been able to get into the holiday spirit. I've done my best to make it ok for Emma, taking her to friends' houses and having people over, and today we went to see The Nutcracker (AWE. SOME.) but there have been a few meltdowns on Emma's part. She had a hard time decorating the Christmas tree without Daddy, especially when it came to hanging the Heiko and army ornaments. She burst into tears and insisted that we "just can't do this without Dad". I gently reminded her that we did it alone for nearly four years before I married Chad - did she not remember? She didn't. She only remembers Christmases with Chad Dad. We miss you, Daddy. Stay safe. Only nine more months left.

And as if I don't have enough DEPRESSING to dwell on right now, I've also been thinking about the in-vitro we did last year. It's so lonely around here without Fart Man that I can't help but wonder how it would be different if only we'd been successful. It would be a HELL of a lot harder with Chad gone and an infant (or two or three, since we put in three embryos), but maybe Emma wouldn't be so lonely if she had some siblings here. The infertility thing is really not something I dwell on normally, because with the job I have that would make me crrrrrazy, but it seems that everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby and it makes me a little sad. Sometimes I hate even talking about this because I'm afraid people will think I'm not happy for them or that they can't talk babies around me. But that's not the case. I simply need to feel sorry for myself every once in a while and then I get over it. I'm just no spring chicken anymore (it's amazing how fast your approved "child-bearing years" fly by!) so my stupid clock is ticking. And what can you do about that when your man is in Iraq? You think bitter, bitter thoughts about the army, that's what you do! We've talked about trying one more round of ICSI/in-vitro when he gets back home, but who even knows if my ovaries haven't shriveled into raisins what with all the CT scans I've had this year! Stupid sinuses. Stupid army. STUPID DECEMBER. I'm pretty sure I have an "I hate December" post every year. (I had an older, more rambunctious blog prior to this one.)

So here's a dose of comfort for those who have lost loved ones recently. Here's to all of us infertile peeps, and here's to Military Man's army unit and their safety. And here's a gigantic toast to a new year and the return of my sanity!